It was during those subsequent years, from 32 through to 55 that I created an imaginary ladder, always yearning for the next step and never appreciating the rung I was on at any given point. The light-hearted sensitive young adult evolved into someone who misinterpreted familial and social pressures as forcing him to pretend to be someone whom he was not; some high-flying mogul who could beat the system.
On the positive side, I proved that I was capable of doing much more at an intellectual level than I was led to believe in my childhood and teen years. However, the application of that intellectual capacity did not extend to self-perception and self-management. In fact, this period was filled with inner turmoil. Erik Erikson cites this period (the seventh life stage) as being one of struggling between what he calls “generativity” and stagnation; one of being torn between self-absorption/self-indulgence and giving oneself to others – particularly to children. To be sure, this was the stage that I believe had the most impact on my thinking today as I prepare for senior citizenship.
My capacity for intellectual pursuits made me a successful management consultant and subsequently, a successful academic advisor and teacher. But my ability to self-manage along with my self-awareness seemed to be diminished during those years. My supposed intellectual skills were overcome by an emotional attachment to money and in retrospect, feelings of insecurity. While obviously not recognizing it at the time, I now perceive myself as having been a hedonistic and needy person.
Today, as I am on the cusp of Erikson’s eighth stage of integrity versus despair, I long to return to the person who perceived the world and his place in it more realistically and with a degree of comfort; a kinder, gentler person whose world is not defined by the material. Is this possible as I travel through my seventies, eighties and (hopefully) nineties? Yes, but only by committing to a life of involvement and commitment in the eighth stage; and this is what I am attempting to do.
I refuse to accept yesterday’s memories as a reminder of the dilemma of old age, i.e. despair versus integrity. If I am to integrate my experiences into making the next 20 to 30 years meaningful, I have to do some work linking what I learned from those years of inner turmoil to what I intend to become. Unlike the middle adult years, older age brings with it the desire and the ability to “be” more than to “do” or to “have”.
I can now look back on those years between ages 32 and 55 from the vantage point of someone who choses integrity over despair; “generativity” over stagnation. I don’t believe that we stop growing or learning in our old age. Contrary to urban myths, I cannot accept that we become more of the worst of what we were. I am excited about transcending my earlier indignities in this upcoming vibrant period of my life. I must not stop growing, nor should I rest easy in my old age. As long as I am conscious; as long as I have the ability to discern and learn I will return to who I was really meant to be and feel good about it during this eighth stage.